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- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name,
and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there,
but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry,
you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps
offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

- The commute to work is just a double-click away,
but every time you try to leave your driveway,
the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers,
promotions and offers from www.girlies.com

- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

- The local post office wouldn't forward your mail to you when you moved.

- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

- If you saw a crime and called 911,
they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how
"really important you are to us."

- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up,
or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

- Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

- Every time you went to the mall,
people would run up to you and violently scream,
"M/F??!!," AGE/SEX?!?!, "WHAT ARE YOUR STATS," or

- Those who didn't do that would call you and say
" Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records.
Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."

- Every time you went shopping,
you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming

- Whenever you traveled to other cities,
people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

- Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details
of the town security expert.

- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation,
but that it's really the Earth's fault.

- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city,
but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

- Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat,
hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night,
and you'd foot the bill.

- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city's land,
while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

- You'd send your kids to school for history,
math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are,
and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.

- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park,
and advertise that children can play there free,
then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.

- Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out "for safety reasons,"
and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout
To which you say "no." The voice then replies

- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom2 patches,
commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee,
and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.

- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages
to a mystical land called USENET,
where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

- Somewhere in another city,
David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall,
smiling contentedly.

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Rich Cavanaugh
Fun D Mental.com

Gladwin, MI


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