A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him
it was dead or alive.
" Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad..."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she
'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl
was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting
ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three
plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."