She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
(I'd have taken her to dinner, not the doctor!)
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
(What about the rest of the leg?)
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
(Do ya Think?)
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
(I know a simple cure for this one!)
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
(You gotta ask permission to be alive?)
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
(File this one under "Oxymoron!")
The patient refused autopsy.
(I always thought you had to be Dead for one of those!)
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
(I hope not, or he'd be a Cadaver, not a patient!)
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
(Wow, What does this guy consider Significant?)
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
(Never saw that one on the menu!)
She is numb from her toes down.
(I guess her Toenails were numb!)
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
(with a new Career!)
The skin was moist and dry.
(Another one for the Oxymoron file!)
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
(Now that's Some exam!)
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
(I've heard that sometimes works!)
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
(Does that help?)
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
(Is this Good or Bad?)
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
(Sounds like a job for Dr. Ruth!)
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
(Gosh, I Hope so!)
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
(Isn't that enough?)
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
(one word, SCARY!!)