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Ready for Kids?

Ready to Have Kids?

Are you considering having children? To determine
whether you are truly prepared for the experience,
we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now
rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the
walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may use roofing tacks or broken bottles).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on
a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the
jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the
jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At
8PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9PM. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10PM. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4AM.
Set alarm for 5AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this
up for five years. Look cheerful.

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove
10% of the beans.

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed
to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them
on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It
will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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Rich Cavanaugh
Fun D Mental.com

Gladwin, MI


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